Modi's Fairytale and the 7 Deadly Sins

Have a look on Cricinfo today http://tinyurl.com/ort5fk - 2 IPLs a year. God, from me not liking the tournament at all and now having to endure a gluttonous six-week period in my own country. Never have I been less inclined to watch cricket.

The semi-naked, flashing light, loud music brand of cricket has just shown how truly rank the South African fan is. All they want is to swill beer, get a front row seat and see if they can get a look under a dancer's skirt. A front row seat also grants you the chance to hurl abuse at your favourite international player. In all of the kerfuffle with your mates, if you have seen any of the cricket, it's simply unforgivable.

It's not promoting the game at all. One day internationals and test matches will still pull similar crowds. The beautiful blonde causcasian most-non-Indian-looking girl doesn't want to go to a test match, as there is no chance of being spotted by "Miss Bollywood" scouts. The traditional format will still see chaps sit in the stands explaining it to their really interested girlfriends, whilst actually watching.

If fans around the world are to determine that T20 is the future, then great. But simply know that Modi's minions are exploting the men around the world for their drunken, leary nature and the females in the pursuit of being the next big thing.

The IPL is so attractive to the crowds because the psychology fits in perfectly with their ADHD nature. Modern crowds simply have this need to constantly to move around, be distracted by various random activities and not concentrate on the reason you are in the stadium. A little known fact is that Ritalin is banned within a 10km radius of the stadiums. (As well as that this tournament is not under ICC Match fixing scrutiny; Modi deemed it too expensive at 7 million pounds - never mind that the IPL is worth approximately 8 billions dollars).

There's a TV station in South Africa that called 2009 "Year of the Fan." The IPL, the tournament of the Barbaric Fan. Everyone is guilty. Every corporate ticket purchased, every bum on seat, every hyped-up match report.

The 7 Cardinal Sins have all been committed, repeatedly for nigh on 6 weeks and in 59 games. There is no turning back from this abyss. That's why the Barbarian loves it.

1. Lust - for money; a strategic time-out that screws up the game's momentum? What are you thinking...oh sorry, it's not about the cricket.

2. Gluttony - The amount of games

3. Greed - Chris Gayle

4. Sloth - see #3

5. Wrath - What bookies will exact when a player doesn't perform according to their "agreement."

6. Envy - Gulam Bodi - (born in India) the best T20 batsman in South Africa who can't get drafted by an IPL team in his own, adopted country. "These bloody franchises must not like buying foreign Indians - damn xenophobes."

7. Pride - Every Indian resident showing such great national pride for their homeland. Chak De India.

Since barbarians learn by osmosis, we will have produced a generation of "I want all the glory for as little effort as possible" cricketers. Can't wait.

IPL Fixion

I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I don't care who you are, who you are playing - you don't lose 6 wickets for 12 runs. Especially when you are on the verge of winning a game. Deccan needed 25 from 18 to against Dehli and imploded to 161 all out. Adam Gilchirst is the most straight-laced cricketer you can imagine, but I don't about his teammates.

If you haven't been paying attention, sit down and here's a lesson from the textbook of "How Cricketers Arouse Suspicion."

174 required to win.

149 for 4 with Andrew Symonds at the crease; he then shows no composure and gets out 2 balls later. Another international cricketer, Dwayne Smith, then gets a two duck after two balls faced. Venugopal Rao, who has played 16 ODIs and has an average of 24, a proper batsman -falls for a single in three balls. Chaminda Vaas sticks in for 10 off 6 balls.

More international cricketers come - and go. RP Singh (international bowler) run out after facing just one ball; Pragyan Ojha - who was smoking hot bat and ball just 10 days ago - falls for a two ball duck. Is form that fleeting or is he just not that good? Shoaib is the last man to go - holing out to AB De Villiers at long-on.

Most of these wickets falling to some mystery bowler - R Bathia - whom nobody bar his missus and closest 100 mates have heard of. Chrisis! He must having been bowling hand grenades. Bathia's not played an international game and gets 4/15 in 2.4 overs. I hope that Bhai went out, gambled and bought a European lotto ticket and looked for a potential wife. Today he'd be a married millioinaire.

Put this as a storyline for Roy of the Rovers or Billy's Boots about 25 years ago, not even they would have bought it. Hot Shot Hamish blasting the ball through the back of the net is more believable.

May 13 was dodgy in Durban - with a smattering of the usual dropped catches comedy to remind us that the players were trying.

Someone out there made money last night.