American Psycho

So there's more Indian money out there, about to be spent by a Mr Jay Mir, who is looking to cash in on cricket. Cash in not only on India's cricket obsession, but to take it to the ex-pats of all nationalities around the world. An unofficial T20 league in America.

Good idea, but who is going to play? Adam Hollioake and Graeme Hick are the first names to be released to the media. Thus the lack of hype. Just imagine the press conference after those names are dropped....cue deadly silence broken only by crickets and a silly ringtone playing from a stray mobile that hasn’t been turned off.

It was also announced on Monday that John Emburey is going to coach a World XI. Part of his contract probably states that if someone has too many whiskies the night before, he might have to bowl a few more rollers. Truthfully though, I can't imagine who is going to play in this, or how competitive it will be. Here's the way I see it all happening, with a few likely suspects...

Mr Mir and his minions will try as best as possible to replicate the IPL, simply to honour it. American Psycho T20 will also have a "technical time out" - which will allow the physio to strap together the about-to-fall-off limbs of Graham Dilley and Craig McDermott. I'd watch just to see if Dilley still looks like that kid from "Blue Lagoon."

Every five overs a full drinks trolley will enter, sponsored by Johnny Walker. "Keep on Walking" will be emblazoned on the side. Many of the players will come to hate this statement, as muscle stiffness won't allow them to walk after tonight's game.

On contractual request of the players, the drinks trolley is exactly that. The 12th man must be a professional barman with the ability to mix cocktails and play the piano. The entrepreneurial Mr Mir will not let this opportunity to pass. Bars at the grounds will be obliged to sell "Hick Highballs", "Hollioake Wallbangers" and the ever popular "Emburey Ernest Hemingways".

The 12th man's other duties will include keeping players out until ungodly hours after the games and then be the designated driver. He will also have to schedule golf tee-off times and apologise for non-appearance at American Psycho matches.

Once the cricket does get underway though, it should be fun. Every time someone hits a six, sorry, a Mr Jay Mir Maximum, all the players have to down their drinks (inclulding the commentators - who will be paid in drinks). If you drink out of the wrong hand, you'll have to down another one.

The theme for the league should be is 80s retro. To add to the authenticity, players will be required to wear luminous shell suits, sheepskin pads with real buckles and gloves with those prickly green bits. The organisers will also make sure that when players score 50s or 100s, a few idiots will run onto the field, shake their heroes’ hands and offer them a sip of their drink.

In further tribute to the 80s and IPL style, the first team meant to register are the "Dallas Texans". Rumour is that Allen Stanford, JR and Bobby Ewing are the money behind it all.

SRK and the KKR will be represented too. A legendary West Indian team will make an appearance with Gus Logie as captain and Tony Cozier as coach. Apparently they are favouring the name of "Detroit Diff'rent Strokes."

I can't wait.

The IPL: Style Report

The IPL is really all about glitz and glamour; that's to blind you from the average cricket being played. Since that's the case - I'm a fan.

So then, there are two things I like about the IPL. The adverts for the teams and sponsors are really, really stunning. But we should have been expected to be. Full on Bollywood productions, dancing, singing, drama, intrigue. The Nike ad with random kids playing cricket on buses across busy roads and featuring a few famous faces is first class.

The Rajasthan Royals ad with Big Sister (Shilpa Shetty) is a winner. It choreographs her with Warne, Smith and elephants into a true bollywood scene.

They should actually avoid showing these during games, soon the public will latch on.

The second attraction is the Deccan Chargers kit. Well, really only the headgear. They are flat top caps, kind of like painter caps. The golfer Camilo Villegas, known as one of the most stylish dressers on the tour, wore one as he won the BMW Championship last year.

I don't know about the garish yellow of the Super Kings; I know that teams wearing yellow are meant to be successful (Brazil, the Lakers) - but heck, that kit is rubbish. The Royals look like racing drivers with all the sponsorship over the helmets. The other teams don't stand out too much - average into obscurity.

But the worst dressed must the black and gold of the Kolkata Knight Riders - commonly known as the KKR. (They are more K away from being REALLY bad). Maybe they should wear their pants too short, to reveal their white socks and wear a glittering glove to complete hideously Bollywood look. Mind you, Shah Rukh Khan is the owner. Enough said.