In 2012 a company is looking to launch a new golf tournament called "G9." A round will be over 9 holes, consisting solely of par 3s. Players will be part of teams, their "owners" keeping a beady eye at tee-box and green. Never mind the fairways, it just slows things down. G9 officials say that it will attract people to the game who have never really been interested.
The match-ups will see the players race across to the green in golf carts, just to cut down on the boredom. (You can also bet on who gets there first, if you like). All of this with the djs and dancers keeping the crowd entertained at greenside. Commentators will be allowed onto the green, to get us inside the mind of the golfer and the putt they have to endure. Tournament organisers will be insistent though that all greens have no undulations or break, so that it makes the game quicker and easier for the competitors. Dammit, to add to the drama, it will be played at night. A hole-in-one will become commonplace and caddies will become obsolete. Hang on, there's my phone.....
It's Jon Daly...he says he's keen.
"Can't stand this 18-hole stuff and bothering to make the cut. No walking? Awesome. See if you can get me an alcohol and tobacco sponsors."
We'll see what we can do.
"Ok, lets talk money."
Oh, no money here boss. You guys earn good cash already. We can't match that.
Hello....hello...Jon?
G9 would fail because a guy named Tiger Woods has taken the old man's elitist game to common folk and beyond. He's one of the richest sportsmen of all time and inspired a new generation of golf fans with his gregarious personality, hard work and awesome talent. All of this whilst playing the traditional 18-hole game, in 4 day tournaments, in the toughest conditions against the world's best. No gimmicks.
Just because Tiger and others have made enough money and didn't want to take part in G9 would they be branded "purists?"
If international cricketers were paid better, would they chase after the IPL cornucopia? The only truthful answer would probably come from Chris Gayle.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Modi's Fairytale and the 7 Deadly Sins
Have a look on Cricinfo today http://tinyurl.com/ort5fk - 2 IPLs a year. God, from me not liking the tournament at all and now having to endure a gluttonous six-week period in my own country. Never have I been less inclined to watch cricket.
The semi-naked, flashing light, loud music brand of cricket has just shown how truly rank the South African fan is. All they want is to swill beer, get a front row seat and see if they can get a look under a dancer's skirt. A front row seat also grants you the chance to hurl abuse at your favourite international player. In all of the kerfuffle with your mates, if you have seen any of the cricket, it's simply unforgivable.
It's not promoting the game at all. One day internationals and test matches will still pull similar crowds. The beautiful blonde causcasian most-non-Indian-looking girl doesn't want to go to a test match, as there is no chance of being spotted by "Miss Bollywood" scouts. The traditional format will still see chaps sit in the stands explaining it to their really interested girlfriends, whilst actually watching.
If fans around the world are to determine that T20 is the future, then great. But simply know that Modi's minions are exploting the men around the world for their drunken, leary nature and the females in the pursuit of being the next big thing.
The IPL is so attractive to the crowds because the psychology fits in perfectly with their ADHD nature. Modern crowds simply have this need to constantly to move around, be distracted by various random activities and not concentrate on the reason you are in the stadium. A little known fact is that Ritalin is banned within a 10km radius of the stadiums. (As well as that this tournament is not under ICC Match fixing scrutiny; Modi deemed it too expensive at 7 million pounds - never mind that the IPL is worth approximately 8 billions dollars).
There's a TV station in South Africa that called 2009 "Year of the Fan." The IPL, the tournament of the Barbaric Fan. Everyone is guilty. Every corporate ticket purchased, every bum on seat, every hyped-up match report.
The 7 Cardinal Sins have all been committed, repeatedly for nigh on 6 weeks and in 59 games. There is no turning back from this abyss. That's why the Barbarian loves it.
1. Lust - for money; a strategic time-out that screws up the game's momentum? What are you thinking...oh sorry, it's not about the cricket.
2. Gluttony - The amount of games
3. Greed - Chris Gayle
4. Sloth - see #3
5. Wrath - What bookies will exact when a player doesn't perform according to their "agreement."
6. Envy - Gulam Bodi - (born in India) the best T20 batsman in South Africa who can't get drafted by an IPL team in his own, adopted country. "These bloody franchises must not like buying foreign Indians - damn xenophobes."
7. Pride - Every Indian resident showing such great national pride for their homeland. Chak De India.
Since barbarians learn by osmosis, we will have produced a generation of "I want all the glory for as little effort as possible" cricketers. Can't wait.
The semi-naked, flashing light, loud music brand of cricket has just shown how truly rank the South African fan is. All they want is to swill beer, get a front row seat and see if they can get a look under a dancer's skirt. A front row seat also grants you the chance to hurl abuse at your favourite international player. In all of the kerfuffle with your mates, if you have seen any of the cricket, it's simply unforgivable.
It's not promoting the game at all. One day internationals and test matches will still pull similar crowds. The beautiful blonde causcasian most-non-Indian-looking girl doesn't want to go to a test match, as there is no chance of being spotted by "Miss Bollywood" scouts. The traditional format will still see chaps sit in the stands explaining it to their really interested girlfriends, whilst actually watching.
If fans around the world are to determine that T20 is the future, then great. But simply know that Modi's minions are exploting the men around the world for their drunken, leary nature and the females in the pursuit of being the next big thing.
The IPL is so attractive to the crowds because the psychology fits in perfectly with their ADHD nature. Modern crowds simply have this need to constantly to move around, be distracted by various random activities and not concentrate on the reason you are in the stadium. A little known fact is that Ritalin is banned within a 10km radius of the stadiums. (As well as that this tournament is not under ICC Match fixing scrutiny; Modi deemed it too expensive at 7 million pounds - never mind that the IPL is worth approximately 8 billions dollars).
There's a TV station in South Africa that called 2009 "Year of the Fan." The IPL, the tournament of the Barbaric Fan. Everyone is guilty. Every corporate ticket purchased, every bum on seat, every hyped-up match report.
The 7 Cardinal Sins have all been committed, repeatedly for nigh on 6 weeks and in 59 games. There is no turning back from this abyss. That's why the Barbarian loves it.
1. Lust - for money; a strategic time-out that screws up the game's momentum? What are you thinking...oh sorry, it's not about the cricket.
2. Gluttony - The amount of games
3. Greed - Chris Gayle
4. Sloth - see #3
5. Wrath - What bookies will exact when a player doesn't perform according to their "agreement."
6. Envy - Gulam Bodi - (born in India) the best T20 batsman in South Africa who can't get drafted by an IPL team in his own, adopted country. "These bloody franchises must not like buying foreign Indians - damn xenophobes."
7. Pride - Every Indian resident showing such great national pride for their homeland. Chak De India.
Since barbarians learn by osmosis, we will have produced a generation of "I want all the glory for as little effort as possible" cricketers. Can't wait.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
IPL Fixion
I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I don't care who you are, who you are playing - you don't lose 6 wickets for 12 runs. Especially when you are on the verge of winning a game. Deccan needed 25 from 18 to against Dehli and imploded to 161 all out. Adam Gilchirst is the most straight-laced cricketer you can imagine, but I don't about his teammates.
If you haven't been paying attention, sit down and here's a lesson from the textbook of "How Cricketers Arouse Suspicion."
174 required to win.
149 for 4 with Andrew Symonds at the crease; he then shows no composure and gets out 2 balls later. Another international cricketer, Dwayne Smith, then gets a two duck after two balls faced. Venugopal Rao, who has played 16 ODIs and has an average of 24, a proper batsman -falls for a single in three balls. Chaminda Vaas sticks in for 10 off 6 balls.
More international cricketers come - and go. RP Singh (international bowler) run out after facing just one ball; Pragyan Ojha - who was smoking hot bat and ball just 10 days ago - falls for a two ball duck. Is form that fleeting or is he just not that good? Shoaib is the last man to go - holing out to AB De Villiers at long-on.
Most of these wickets falling to some mystery bowler - R Bathia - whom nobody bar his missus and closest 100 mates have heard of. Chrisis! He must having been bowling hand grenades. Bathia's not played an international game and gets 4/15 in 2.4 overs. I hope that Bhai went out, gambled and bought a European lotto ticket and looked for a potential wife. Today he'd be a married millioinaire.
Put this as a storyline for Roy of the Rovers or Billy's Boots about 25 years ago, not even they would have bought it. Hot Shot Hamish blasting the ball through the back of the net is more believable.
May 13 was dodgy in Durban - with a smattering of the usual dropped catches comedy to remind us that the players were trying.
Someone out there made money last night.
If you haven't been paying attention, sit down and here's a lesson from the textbook of "How Cricketers Arouse Suspicion."
174 required to win.
149 for 4 with Andrew Symonds at the crease; he then shows no composure and gets out 2 balls later. Another international cricketer, Dwayne Smith, then gets a two duck after two balls faced. Venugopal Rao, who has played 16 ODIs and has an average of 24, a proper batsman -falls for a single in three balls. Chaminda Vaas sticks in for 10 off 6 balls.
More international cricketers come - and go. RP Singh (international bowler) run out after facing just one ball; Pragyan Ojha - who was smoking hot bat and ball just 10 days ago - falls for a two ball duck. Is form that fleeting or is he just not that good? Shoaib is the last man to go - holing out to AB De Villiers at long-on.
Most of these wickets falling to some mystery bowler - R Bathia - whom nobody bar his missus and closest 100 mates have heard of. Chrisis! He must having been bowling hand grenades. Bathia's not played an international game and gets 4/15 in 2.4 overs. I hope that Bhai went out, gambled and bought a European lotto ticket and looked for a potential wife. Today he'd be a married millioinaire.
Put this as a storyline for Roy of the Rovers or Billy's Boots about 25 years ago, not even they would have bought it. Hot Shot Hamish blasting the ball through the back of the net is more believable.
May 13 was dodgy in Durban - with a smattering of the usual dropped catches comedy to remind us that the players were trying.
Someone out there made money last night.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
American Psycho
So there's more Indian money out there, about to be spent by a Mr Jay Mir, who is looking to cash in on cricket. Cash in not only on India's cricket obsession, but to take it to the ex-pats of all nationalities around the world. An unofficial T20 league in America.
Good idea, but who is going to play? Adam Hollioake and Graeme Hick are the first names to be released to the media. Thus the lack of hype. Just imagine the press conference after those names are dropped....cue deadly silence broken only by crickets and a silly ringtone playing from a stray mobile that hasn’t been turned off.
It was also announced on Monday that John Emburey is going to coach a World XI. Part of his contract probably states that if someone has too many whiskies the night before, he might have to bowl a few more rollers. Truthfully though, I can't imagine who is going to play in this, or how competitive it will be. Here's the way I see it all happening, with a few likely suspects...
Mr Mir and his minions will try as best as possible to replicate the IPL, simply to honour it. American Psycho T20 will also have a "technical time out" - which will allow the physio to strap together the about-to-fall-off limbs of Graham Dilley and Craig McDermott. I'd watch just to see if Dilley still looks like that kid from "Blue Lagoon."
Every five overs a full drinks trolley will enter, sponsored by Johnny Walker. "Keep on Walking" will be emblazoned on the side. Many of the players will come to hate this statement, as muscle stiffness won't allow them to walk after tonight's game.
On contractual request of the players, the drinks trolley is exactly that. The 12th man must be a professional barman with the ability to mix cocktails and play the piano. The entrepreneurial Mr Mir will not let this opportunity to pass. Bars at the grounds will be obliged to sell "Hick Highballs", "Hollioake Wallbangers" and the ever popular "Emburey Ernest Hemingways".
The 12th man's other duties will include keeping players out until ungodly hours after the games and then be the designated driver. He will also have to schedule golf tee-off times and apologise for non-appearance at American Psycho matches.
Once the cricket does get underway though, it should be fun. Every time someone hits a six, sorry, a Mr Jay Mir Maximum, all the players have to down their drinks (inclulding the commentators - who will be paid in drinks). If you drink out of the wrong hand, you'll have to down another one.
The theme for the league should be is 80s retro. To add to the authenticity, players will be required to wear luminous shell suits, sheepskin pads with real buckles and gloves with those prickly green bits. The organisers will also make sure that when players score 50s or 100s, a few idiots will run onto the field, shake their heroes’ hands and offer them a sip of their drink.
In further tribute to the 80s and IPL style, the first team meant to register are the "Dallas Texans". Rumour is that Allen Stanford, JR and Bobby Ewing are the money behind it all.
SRK and the KKR will be represented too. A legendary West Indian team will make an appearance with Gus Logie as captain and Tony Cozier as coach. Apparently they are favouring the name of "Detroit Diff'rent Strokes."
I can't wait.
Good idea, but who is going to play? Adam Hollioake and Graeme Hick are the first names to be released to the media. Thus the lack of hype. Just imagine the press conference after those names are dropped....cue deadly silence broken only by crickets and a silly ringtone playing from a stray mobile that hasn’t been turned off.
It was also announced on Monday that John Emburey is going to coach a World XI. Part of his contract probably states that if someone has too many whiskies the night before, he might have to bowl a few more rollers. Truthfully though, I can't imagine who is going to play in this, or how competitive it will be. Here's the way I see it all happening, with a few likely suspects...
Mr Mir and his minions will try as best as possible to replicate the IPL, simply to honour it. American Psycho T20 will also have a "technical time out" - which will allow the physio to strap together the about-to-fall-off limbs of Graham Dilley and Craig McDermott. I'd watch just to see if Dilley still looks like that kid from "Blue Lagoon."
Every five overs a full drinks trolley will enter, sponsored by Johnny Walker. "Keep on Walking" will be emblazoned on the side. Many of the players will come to hate this statement, as muscle stiffness won't allow them to walk after tonight's game.
On contractual request of the players, the drinks trolley is exactly that. The 12th man must be a professional barman with the ability to mix cocktails and play the piano. The entrepreneurial Mr Mir will not let this opportunity to pass. Bars at the grounds will be obliged to sell "Hick Highballs", "Hollioake Wallbangers" and the ever popular "Emburey Ernest Hemingways".
The 12th man's other duties will include keeping players out until ungodly hours after the games and then be the designated driver. He will also have to schedule golf tee-off times and apologise for non-appearance at American Psycho matches.
Once the cricket does get underway though, it should be fun. Every time someone hits a six, sorry, a Mr Jay Mir Maximum, all the players have to down their drinks (inclulding the commentators - who will be paid in drinks). If you drink out of the wrong hand, you'll have to down another one.
The theme for the league should be is 80s retro. To add to the authenticity, players will be required to wear luminous shell suits, sheepskin pads with real buckles and gloves with those prickly green bits. The organisers will also make sure that when players score 50s or 100s, a few idiots will run onto the field, shake their heroes’ hands and offer them a sip of their drink.
In further tribute to the 80s and IPL style, the first team meant to register are the "Dallas Texans". Rumour is that Allen Stanford, JR and Bobby Ewing are the money behind it all.
SRK and the KKR will be represented too. A legendary West Indian team will make an appearance with Gus Logie as captain and Tony Cozier as coach. Apparently they are favouring the name of "Detroit Diff'rent Strokes."
I can't wait.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
IPL:Finally....Spotted...excitement on Safari
In Africa, if you are planning a game drive, your timing has got be spot on. You either need to go out before sunrise or late afternoon to sunset. Up to this point, trying to spot a good game in the IPL was like going on a game drive at midday. The animals were simply lazy, camping under big trees and out of sight. Last night, finally there was some excitement on the IPL African safari.
The game between the KKR and the Rajasthan Royals finally got me to sit down for longer than 10 minutes. Admittedly, I didn't watch the whole game - but saw the real excitement I guess....the super over.
The Royals' Munaf Patel's below-par over towards the death and Gaunguly's sheer guts got KKR back into the game. No-ball 6 and then the free hit next delivery going for 6 breathed life into them. Ganguly was fuming when Yashpal Singh got out. He had spoken to him the ball before and the youngster partner politely ignored - to get out, trying to be a hero. Ganguly surely then knew the die was cast. It was.
Ganguly got out and the game proceeded to go to a super over. Effectively - Game Over for KKR.
Despite Gayle's brave 15 off the super over, oddly bowled by Karman Khan - who got 3/18 in his 4 overs. 18 years old, ungainly action, would you back him? Warne did, though, and the commentators do seem loathe to question his calls. As if his legendary status puts him beyond it. The fact that the decision to bowl him paid off is a non-factor; Khan only got 2 from 7 deliveries in the area for his set field.
His over was all over the shop. Gayle was always aiming mid-wicket, mid-on, with two men at backward point, man at cover sweeper. Left-arm over, surely you have got to bowl it a half a foot outside off . Cut down the batter's options and let him make the running.
Kahn went full first ball, off-stump; decent area. Next ball - waist high full toss and hit McCullum bang on the right hand. Should have been called a no-ball. Ball 3 - too wide outside off, he is trying. Then too straight, 4 to square leg. AROUND the wicket then! (what is he thinking?) 4 over mid-on - who is up in the ring! CHRI....SIS. Back to over the wicket, 4 to mid-wicket. Last ball, he finally gets it right, Gayle slices it to cover sweeper. 16 to win.
The mystifying "Mendis Code" was made to look like 2 piece jigsaw by Yusuf Pathan. 18 runs, no trouble.
The drama was great, and made fantastic TV. The only trouble - it took 20 minutes to bowl these 2 overs. Probably 15 of those minutes to choose the 3 batters and 1 bowler from each side. There's drama, then there is a dynasty.
I do have a life.
The game between the KKR and the Rajasthan Royals finally got me to sit down for longer than 10 minutes. Admittedly, I didn't watch the whole game - but saw the real excitement I guess....the super over.
The Royals' Munaf Patel's below-par over towards the death and Gaunguly's sheer guts got KKR back into the game. No-ball 6 and then the free hit next delivery going for 6 breathed life into them. Ganguly was fuming when Yashpal Singh got out. He had spoken to him the ball before and the youngster partner politely ignored - to get out, trying to be a hero. Ganguly surely then knew the die was cast. It was.
Ganguly got out and the game proceeded to go to a super over. Effectively - Game Over for KKR.
Despite Gayle's brave 15 off the super over, oddly bowled by Karman Khan - who got 3/18 in his 4 overs. 18 years old, ungainly action, would you back him? Warne did, though, and the commentators do seem loathe to question his calls. As if his legendary status puts him beyond it. The fact that the decision to bowl him paid off is a non-factor; Khan only got 2 from 7 deliveries in the area for his set field.
His over was all over the shop. Gayle was always aiming mid-wicket, mid-on, with two men at backward point, man at cover sweeper. Left-arm over, surely you have got to bowl it a half a foot outside off . Cut down the batter's options and let him make the running.
Kahn went full first ball, off-stump; decent area. Next ball - waist high full toss and hit McCullum bang on the right hand. Should have been called a no-ball. Ball 3 - too wide outside off, he is trying. Then too straight, 4 to square leg. AROUND the wicket then! (what is he thinking?) 4 over mid-on - who is up in the ring! CHRI....SIS. Back to over the wicket, 4 to mid-wicket. Last ball, he finally gets it right, Gayle slices it to cover sweeper. 16 to win.
The mystifying "Mendis Code" was made to look like 2 piece jigsaw by Yusuf Pathan. 18 runs, no trouble.
The drama was great, and made fantastic TV. The only trouble - it took 20 minutes to bowl these 2 overs. Probably 15 of those minutes to choose the 3 batters and 1 bowler from each side. There's drama, then there is a dynasty.
I do have a life.
The IPL: Style Report
The IPL is really all about glitz and glamour; that's to blind you from the average cricket being played. Since that's the case - I'm a fan.
So then, there are two things I like about the IPL. The adverts for the teams and sponsors are really, really stunning. But we should have been expected to be. Full on Bollywood productions, dancing, singing, drama, intrigue. The Nike ad with random kids playing cricket on buses across busy roads and featuring a few famous faces is first class.
The Rajasthan Royals ad with Big Sister (Shilpa Shetty) is a winner. It choreographs her with Warne, Smith and elephants into a true bollywood scene.
They should actually avoid showing these during games, soon the public will latch on.
The second attraction is the Deccan Chargers kit. Well, really only the headgear. They are flat top caps, kind of like painter caps. The golfer Camilo Villegas, known as one of the most stylish dressers on the tour, wore one as he won the BMW Championship last year.
I don't know about the garish yellow of the Super Kings; I know that teams wearing yellow are meant to be successful (Brazil, the Lakers) - but heck, that kit is rubbish. The Royals look like racing drivers with all the sponsorship over the helmets. The other teams don't stand out too much - average into obscurity.
But the worst dressed must the black and gold of the Kolkata Knight Riders - commonly known as the KKR. (They are more K away from being REALLY bad). Maybe they should wear their pants too short, to reveal their white socks and wear a glittering glove to complete hideously Bollywood look. Mind you, Shah Rukh Khan is the owner. Enough said.
So then, there are two things I like about the IPL. The adverts for the teams and sponsors are really, really stunning. But we should have been expected to be. Full on Bollywood productions, dancing, singing, drama, intrigue. The Nike ad with random kids playing cricket on buses across busy roads and featuring a few famous faces is first class.
The Rajasthan Royals ad with Big Sister (Shilpa Shetty) is a winner. It choreographs her with Warne, Smith and elephants into a true bollywood scene.
They should actually avoid showing these during games, soon the public will latch on.
The second attraction is the Deccan Chargers kit. Well, really only the headgear. They are flat top caps, kind of like painter caps. The golfer Camilo Villegas, known as one of the most stylish dressers on the tour, wore one as he won the BMW Championship last year.
I don't know about the garish yellow of the Super Kings; I know that teams wearing yellow are meant to be successful (Brazil, the Lakers) - but heck, that kit is rubbish. The Royals look like racing drivers with all the sponsorship over the helmets. The other teams don't stand out too much - average into obscurity.
But the worst dressed must the black and gold of the Kolkata Knight Riders - commonly known as the KKR. (They are more K away from being REALLY bad). Maybe they should wear their pants too short, to reveal their white socks and wear a glittering glove to complete hideously Bollywood look. Mind you, Shah Rukh Khan is the owner. Enough said.
Time I'll never get back
Have a look at one of my ealier posts and you will know that I was less than excited about the IPL coming to South Africa. It has lived up to all of my suggested dissapointment with very few runs, no on-field pyrotechnics and heavily one-sided games.
I don't quite know why people want to go to the games. But walking into the Joburg office, people were mentally queuing for tickets - as the tickets for the Wanderers games go on sale today. Joburg crowds though are well-known for going to the ground to drink and not the cricket. So the IPL will be a perfect fit.
For JHB it might well be out of curiosity. Maybe its to see the dancing girls. Maybe people are banking on the fact that they might, just might see a good game (for once). Its kind of like going to planetarium and hoping to see a comet.
My attention span for the IPL is about 10 balls. Hit, miss, shout from the commentators. A predictable format. I miss out on too much TV to sit down for 3 hours (and 15 minutes) to be robbed of that time I'll never get back.
I also know that Supersport will show the highlights at some time or another.
I don't quite know why people want to go to the games. But walking into the Joburg office, people were mentally queuing for tickets - as the tickets for the Wanderers games go on sale today. Joburg crowds though are well-known for going to the ground to drink and not the cricket. So the IPL will be a perfect fit.
For JHB it might well be out of curiosity. Maybe its to see the dancing girls. Maybe people are banking on the fact that they might, just might see a good game (for once). Its kind of like going to planetarium and hoping to see a comet.
My attention span for the IPL is about 10 balls. Hit, miss, shout from the commentators. A predictable format. I miss out on too much TV to sit down for 3 hours (and 15 minutes) to be robbed of that time I'll never get back.
I also know that Supersport will show the highlights at some time or another.
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